Hello, my name is Joseph Deutrom and welcome to my schools opening evening. I will speak for a short while then you will be taken on a tour around the school by some of the very few students who volunteered to be a prefect. Once your tour has finished there will be application forms in the reception to collect.

 

What  you will find when your child  comes to this school is that your son will  make amazing progress in all subjects improving by one sub-level each year between Year 7-11. That is if you don’t decide to kill yourself by Year 9. If you do join the school you will be expected to join the Sixth form (Year 12 and 13) which has a modern looking common room which is much different to the rest of the school that looks like a WW2 boarding school. It also has a ridiculously expensive vending machine which is very reliable. It works only 10 percent on the time.

The LSC, otherwise known is referral is a place  where students are sent after bad behaviour. Students say they much prefer it to normal lessons as there is silence, class work and incredibly fast WiFi.

The chairs that the school has got are best suited for the school and most of them break after leaning on them a few times. Despite nearly going out of business, the school has a great budget and we are always welcome to buying things to make the school better. Infact the D.T department are still struggling to take two boys to Nandos after winning a competition when they were in Year 8, they are now in upper sixth form.

Due to the schools great budget the students and staff are provided with the most nutritious and healthy meals even though not one student or teacher has an attendance of 50% or higher. They all say they have come down with food poisining and the fingers are all pointed at me.

The classrooms in this school are amazing. They all have a great atmosphere and are alot of fun, for the students. I am told alot that paper balls are thrown around and that teachers get locked outside of their classrooms, but I know they are just joking and the teacher doesn’t mind, despite being brought to tears.

Thank you for listening, you will now be taken by a prefect 15 people per prefect. Also sorry for making you sit on the floor, we’re running a bit low on chairs.